Dinner With Crows
Blood on the tablecloth
Let me get that out of your way
One drink, maybe two /
Steak knives to muscle through our plates
No, we haven’t spoken in years
Yes, no, it’s okay
It’s right there, but hard to see
A sharp pain in my chest and you’re in the right place
Heaps of salt for my old wounds
A dash of peppering for yours
A comforting nod from the waiter
Who understands my plate is full
Crowding my remains while I sew back what was left
Murdered by memories in front of new friends
Waltz with me for a little while. I guess I’ll lead as a gentleman should. I always pick up the bill, and brush off your attempt to fight me on it. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do. I’m having a good time with you tonight, but who knows what you’re thinking. I’ve always been pretty keen on picking up what other people are feeling–it made me a good therapist and a better friend. But here, sitting across from you, someone who was a stranger just an hour ago, it’s like I’m learning the rules as I go along. I don’t know what you’re feeling.
Just do everything right, like a gentleman should. Make sure to ask open-ended questions, make eye contact (but not too much), briefly touch your hands and then pull away, order the shared appetizer and dessert but sit back when you order your entree–all the right moves at the right times. I guide you into the booth while I sit in the wobbly chair. I don’t mind swaying back and forth–it makes my shaking leg look natural. I’m glad you’re comfortable.
I’m having a hard time navigating the conversation, which is unusual for me. How soon do I tell you about the things that haunt me? It is too much too soon? I’d justify it by thinking to myself that you’ll find out eventually, and if we want to move somewhere past this table, you’ll probably want to know sooner rather than later. But maybe those are just excuses. Or maybe I just like having someone to talk to. Maybe everyone in here is watching me struggle to lead us through this. You’ll find out eventually, so now is as good of a time as any. Open wide.
It’s a quiet night as I walk you to your car and kiss you goodnight. It’s the gentlemanly thing to do. I’ll never see you again. I understand.
